I’m finally feeling better after pretty much a whole month of being ill. The antibiotics unfortunately made me feel worse but once I finished them on Sunday, things started to look up and Monday I started to feel better. Today I feel 90% better :0)
The photography thing has taken a bit of a turn in that I put a small ad on the intranet at work saying I was doing free doggy photo shoots and I’ve been inundated with requests! This has presented me with a bit of a quandary. I’m scared of a lot of dogs. That will most likely sound bonkers to the people that know I have my own puppy, and most people that know me and my fear of dogs were surprised to hear I was getting my own. They were further surprised to hear that I love dogs and grew up with lots of dogs. Unfortunately one of the dogs we had in the family was aggressive and didn’t help my fear, and in addition I was bitten by a Doberman that took a chunk of my thigh along with my skirt on my way home from work one day. Nowadays I’m pretty much scared of any large sized dog and particularly rotties, huskies, staffies etc.
I’m so excited about a potential career in dog photography, but how am I going to get round this paralysing fear?! If there was a way I could gently expose myself to the dogs I’m afraid of, I would definitely do it but I don’t have that opportunity. For now whilst I’m doing free shoots it’s ok as I can be more choosy and hopefully people will understand – thankfully I do have the valid excuse that I can only really photograph small dogs in my home. However, if I’m serious about it as a business, do I really want to turn away a potential client? I really would love to conquer this fear so onto my very long list of to do’s goes “investigate phobia therapy”.
Yesterday on my first day of feeling better, I had a major panic attack. It’s been a very long time since I had one, months I’m sure and in fact I can’t even remember having one this year. I think it was partially caused by the day nurse tablets I took as they have pseudo ephedrine in them and I’m sensitive to it which means it makes my heart beat faster. I’m also feeling stressed about how much time I’ve wasted in the last month with being sick. I have so much to do to make this potential new life for myself, and now is the time to do the foundation work whilst I’m still being paid but instead I had to lie on the couch. That’s exactly what I was doing when the panic attack happened – I could feel my heart beating fast which reminded me that I needed to do my blood pressure as I hadn’t in a while. Silly now I think of it but of course it was sky high and I kept getting the flashing “irregular heartbeat” sign and that is what set me off. Then a strange thing happened – we have a bell that puppy rings when he wants to go in the garden for his business, and at this time puppy was in the living room with me but the bell rang! Only slightly but still – I know now that it was just the chain of the bell falling slightly but it didn’t help my state of mind. I opened the curtains and phoned Kev. I was also stressing about how to entertain puppy that afternoon as my knee was too sore for a walk and he was in high energy mode. Speaking to Kev always calms me down, and I took a herbal supplement also and a large drink of water. My neighbours texted about the same time asking to take Watson for a play date with their puppy so that was excellent timing and I used the time to have a long relaxing bath. Within an hour or so I was feeling much calmer thankfully and breathing normally!
I could ramble on, but will leave you for now as my to do list is not getting any shorter!